I shall not be mean in this entry. Everything I typed and posted are true. I'm being 100% frank. No fraud no lies.

I feel like a loser. No it's not because of Lee Chong Wei and his Olympic medal. I'm content with silver for Malaysia. I've been feeling like this for quite some time now.

I realized I have no friends. How sad. And I can't write this in my blogspot because it's way too public. Public for my "friends". In fact, I didn't even wanna start this post, because I'm not really sure about my current state of feelings. But I figured I have to let it all out sooner or later, and hopefully I'll be able to restore to my original state. I hate feeling like this. So confused and uncertain. Lost and helpless.

Friends? Everyone has them. Sure, I have friends. But not real friends. True friends. Best friends. Friends that stay through thick and thin. Sometimes I wonder, is it my fault, my problem that made me like this? My happy, bubbly, easygoing, I-don't-care facade that I show everyone, that made them treat me this way. I care, I really do. But I have no idea how to express myself. And so I fake it through. By pretending, acting all cool, like it's nothing. It hurts actually. And gets worse with time.

My first ever best friend I remember was Amelia. In kindergarten. I don't even know where the hell is she or how she's doing right now. Dead or alive, no idea. And I still have this ridiculous picture of us clad in bikini, doing the Hawaiian dance for our concert in kindergarten. Our faces painted with horrible makeup, your face registering surprise because apparently, you're not supposed to be in the frame.

Next, Yee Ian. She's one of the rare humans that I've known for the longest time ever, apart from my family members. She's always there for me, but I suck as a friend. I only turn to her when I need help. I totally, utterly failed in being a friend. She's involved in a car accident recently, and although it's nothing serious, I only knew it through her blog. And I don't even have the guts to console or ask her properly how she's doing.

Tan Hui Wen. We were really best buddies until... you moved to another school. And I still remember she lives in Taman Sungai Mas, Kajang. That is, if she haven't moved houses. She was always looking out for me, like my big sister, although she was only a year older than me. We were like, inseparable in school. Sat together in classes, have breaks together, bullied the other boys together, laughed, joked, did homework together. I kind of miss her. I wonder where she is and how she's doing. She was a clever student, and excelled in art, hence I always turn to her for help in artworks. Even my mom knows her and her mom. That's how close we were. I miss her for serious. What happened between us, I don't know. We promised to write letters and we did, for a year or two maybe... and then lost contact.

There was a time when I was really close with Ei Lyn. In primary school. I think it was Junior 2. We were like, what... 7 years old. And I remember tricking her into giving me a present even though it wasn't my birthday. I promised to give her one in exchange, but I forgot if I ever did give her the present. We're still friends now, but nothing more.

Then, Yee Yin. She was a newcomer in our school then. Chinese speaking, and everyone else in our school spat English most of the time. We became best friends, for a while. My chinese improved partly because of her. Teachers confuse the both of us at first, because of our similar names. Hers was Yee Yin, mine Yin Ying. Sounds the same. She's pretty as hell, and popular among us, even our seniors. I admit I was jealous of her, but we still remained best friends, until......

Yee Ven came into the picture. We were best friends as well. For some time. Seems like I have alot of BFs huh. I have no idea why I was best friends with her. Probably because of the guys? We were in the age where we were curious about the opposite sex, and she knew a lot of them. I guess that's the main reason. I really don't remember. Well anyway, Yee Yin became best friends with Yee Ven. And you thought the 3 of us could be best friends together? I think so too. But somehow we're not. No idea why.

Yan Sin. I feel really apologetic to her. Even until today. She was my best friend after my breakup with Yee Ven and Yee Yin. She treated me real good, but I treated her like shit. I did not realize it at the time, but everyone else did. I told her all my feelings, frustrations and problems, she listened and gave advice. She really cared for me. Like a true friend. I don't remember what happened, but I do remember I made her cry somehow. I feel so bad right now as I'm writing this. Everyone said she was my substitute best friend for the moment. I'm glad she found Yee Ian, her matahari. Yee Ian is a way better friend than I ever was to anyone. I did not even make it to see her the last time before she went off to Adelaide. I miss the times when the three of us were in my house, not going to bed, listening to loud music in the middle of the night. I don't think we could ever do that again. We're grown ups now. How I wish to turn back time, and I'll undo every single mistake I ever did. It's nice to be childish and kid around, without worrying about anything.

Secondary school came, and I got to know new people, new friends. One of them was Pei Chi. We live in the same housing area, hence we share the same bus to school. She was like another Hui Wen to me. But not as clever. She was the one who needed help with homework most of the time. With Hui Wen, it was the opposite. But still, we had fun together throughout our secondary school life. We had a family bond/nickname. The 4 of us initially, but then Yee Ven came in all of a sudden, making it 5. Xue Ying was my daughter, Pei Chi was my mom, Poh Lin my grandmom, and Yee Ven my great-grandmom. I pretty much stuck with them for my secondary years. They're not exactly the best influence, but I was happy with them, though I despise Yee Ven a little for stealing everything I had.

Then SPM year came and I realized I had done nothing with my secondary life. I did not study for my PMR and was proud that I got 6As and 1B for my result. I could not possibly do that again in my SPM. So I decided to loosen up a little with Pei Chi and join the studying group. I figured it would be better for my results. Well, maybe it helped. A little. I managed to get 5As out of 9 subjects. But it did not help my relations with friends. I was no longer as close to Pei Chi and the gang and I was never close to Jeleine's gang from the start.

Graduated from secondary school. Still keep contact with school friends, but my strict parents forbade me from joining them in yumcha sessions or overnight stays. I was feeling worse during those 5 months while I was waiting for college. No one contacted me for outings or excursions. I figured no one remembers me, as they have their life to go on. Most of them were already halfway into universities and colleges. Lucky I had some part-time jobs to keep my mind occupied.

College came finally. Now my current best friend would be Chia May, who's ever willing to spazz with me about cute guys over lunch breaks, and accompany me for errands. She's a great friend, who's always pushing me from behind, giving me motivation. But I don't think it's gonna be for long. She's going to UTAR or maybe Taiwan after this year, and I'll have to find another BF. It's so depressing. I am very jealous of people who have lifelong friends who you can tell every single thing about and they just understand without you having to explain much.

I'm really jealous of Yan Sin and Yee Ian. They're definitely the best friends among friends, who have been together for so long. And Jeleine, Su Wen, Yung San and Sek Kee as well. I think I'm counted as Jeleine's best friend, I don't know. We normally just talk about Korean stuffs. Stars, food, styles, cute guys, those kind of things. But I know I can't and never will be a part of their gang, I will always be an outsider. They're really stuck with each other since forever.  They don't ask me out for shopping trips or birthday celebrations unless it's a big group of some other people. Got a taste of this when they forgot about my bus ticket in Genting. Another taste of this when they celebrated Kah Loon's birthday without me. They did not even bother to tell me or let me know. Even Pui Yee was there, but not me. Hello, they remember Pui Yee but not me. I totally forgot who is Pui Yee.

I feel really lonely inside. Oh god when I'm feeling so emo my playlist just had to play Mariah Carey's Always Be My Baby. I feel like dying. I'm tearing. Comments disabled. Don't make me feel worse. Be kind to me for once thank you.

Streamyx zzzZZZzzz why are you so slow?  It's taking forever to load any page!

I love Big Bang. I still love FT Island, but my current mood is neon. LMAO so random. I need a boyfriend gah!!! I'm babbling.

Support Big Bang for MTV Asia Awards 2008! Go to my blogspot and click on the vote button please?th4nkzxzxzxzx a|0tzxzxzxzxzx I'm twitting hey! *winks at Yee Ian*

Crazy SuJu fans all vote during nighttime I tell you ._.

Hey camera, I wanna bling you up!